The work outside of therapy

Change is hard. Often we resist it because it is more comfortable to stay doing the things we have always done. Comfort does not equal safety in the long run. If your nervous system is used to being in fight or flight, that might feel “comfortable” to you because its what you know, its what you are used to. However, being in a prolonged state of stress is not safe or healthy. It will wear you down.

Often times people come into therapy to get help and feel better. Sometimes there are great moments of connection, insight and breakthrough. Those are good, and important- but its also important to have moments of safety and care outside of the therapy session. So how do you do this? How do you create moments of safety and care in your regular life?

First off, I’ll say if you are living in an unsafe situation I do not want to diminish or dismiss that. Trauma has its scars and does often create a feeling of perpetual lack of safety. There’s a reason your nervous system is in fight or flight all the time- to keep you safe from a real threat! Other times the nervous system is pumped up and primed for threat all the time even when the threat has passed. This is more of what I’m refering to when I say creating safety outside of session. Processing the hard things in a theraputic context can be healing, as often times the worst part of trauma is the feeling of being alone. Once you have established a connection with your therapist, beginning to develop a connection with yourself as a source of safety and compassion is just as important.

Part of this work begins with showing up for youself consistently on a daily basis and caring for youself like you would a child. Feed yourself nourishing foods, drink water, go to bed when you are tired, spend time doing things you enjoy- not just your have to’s. Another aspect to include would be to be curious about your experiences and your days instead of judging yourself all the time. Self contempt can get in the way of healing. Beginning to think about yourself in a more neutral way “I’m ok as I am”, instead of “I am so stupid” is a good first step. “You can’t heal a body you hate. You can’t obsess your way to health. You can’t shame your way to wellness.” -Dr. Will Cole. Be kind to you.