Self Compassion for the New Year
It’s the time of year people make resolutions and set all sorts of lofty goals, usually about their health habits or finances. Did you know 43% of all people expect to fail before February, and almost one out of four quit within the first week of setting their New Year's resolution. Most people quit before the end of January, and only 9% see their resolutions through until succession. The long term end game doesn’t look good for our well set out intentions. In one 2014 study, 35% of participants who failed their New Year's Resolutions said they had unrealistic goals. 33% of participants who failed didn't keep track of their progress. 23% forgot about their resolutions. About one in 10 people who failed said they made too many resolutions.
What if we set an intention to be more self compassionate this year? Dr. Kristin Neff has researched self compassion for over a decade and defines it as, being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism. Self-compassion has three components: Self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Its treating ourselves with the same love and care we would to a loved one who is hurting or suffering.
Self compassion is different than self esteem. Self esteem usually refers to the degree we relate to ourselves positively or negatively and is often based on how we think we measure up next to others. Dr. Kristin Neff describes it as “it is a way of relating to ourselves not based on positive judgments or evaluations.” Self compassion encourages one to be kind to oneself regardless of success or failure. Self compassion offers emotional safety in a world that tells us we have to earn our worth through acheivement, status, or appearance.
Psychotherapist and meditation teacher Tara Brach developed a self compassion practice called RAIN.
The acronym consists of four steps:
Recognize what is going on, name your feelings
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is
Investigate with interest and care
Nurture with mindful self compassion (talk to yourself as you would a loved one in a similar situation).
So how about this year we resolve to be more compassionate with ourselves. Accept who we are, as we are, now. We may want to be in a different spot than where we are now, but punishing, shaming and blaming ourselves will not push us closer to our goals. Do children thrive on criticism and shame? No. Neither do we. If you’re having a hard time taming your inner critic, talking to a licensed therapist can be helpful.
